So while I’m sat at home, signed off of work with laryngitis, watching back to back episodes of all my online programmes and chowing on twenty pounds worth of Sushi, I ponder over a text message I received at 10.45am this morning..
“Hey babe, we haven’t spoken in a while. How’s it hanging?”
I look at this message from Nathan and laugh. Firstly, I have just woken up and he is asking me how it’s hanging. More like I should be asking him how HE is hanging (long and gorgeous from what I remember.) Second, why is he saying we haven’t spoken in a while? The last thing Nathan and I do is speak. You see, Nathan and I have always had one of those relationships where speaking was the last thing we needed (unless it is a text to make arrangements.)
I would be fast asleep on a Friday night and I would get a text message at 5am saying “where you at?” Now we all know what one of those messages means. BOOTY CALL! Unfortunately for him, I would be sleeping, lucky for his right hand however.
Saturday night would come and I would be out partying with the girls. Few drinks down me and BAM I am as confident as a coconut falling from the tree to make love to the sand. Phone out, get my text on.. “Nathan, I am drunk, where are you?” A reply instantly would be “coming to pick you up from wherever you are babe!” or “in town partying, lets meet halfway?!” or something of the sort, but whatever the case, he would always want to see me.
Next thing you know, he has picked me up in his BMW or I am meeting him via a cab (or a tuk tuk) halfway. We would either end up back at his, in a hotel room or staying in his car to have a bit of a drunken session.
Some of you may be thinking, why would I go meet him when all he is after was a late night rendezvous?! Reason being, was because that is all I ever wanted from Nathan too. So to be getting a text message from him at before midday baffles me.
I simply reply (a few hours later) saying, “Hey hun I am well thanks, how’s all with you?”
Within two minutes he responds with, “Yeah I am good thanks. Do you wanna meet up for a coffee at some point?”
Hold on a second, I haven’t spoken/seen Nathan for maybe a year or even longer, simply because our last encounter went horribly wrong and I have been too embarrassed to speak to him (basically I noshed him off whilst wearing red lipstick and being horribly drunk and I thought I had cut his penis and screamed to him that it was bleeding. No it wasn’t. It was my lipstick. You can imagine the horror!) So now he is asking me out. Hold on, is he asking me out? Is that like a date? The texts I am used to from Nathan were things like, “there is a party in my pants, do you want to join?” or “I miss your cupcake!” (cupcake is code for vagina, yes, he used to call my vagina a cupcake!) Not do you want to meet for coffee!!
Twenty minutes pass and I reply saying, “Coffee? Since when do me and you meet for coffee? Do you mean coffee and ‘cupcake’ or just coffee?”
He replies, “Wow I have missed your sense of humour. No cupcake, just yet. Just coffee and to see you, I guess I have missed you. Are you free Saturday?”
Oi vey! Has it come to this? Does he really miss me and want to see me and not just eat cupcake? Well, I most certainly cannot see him Saturday. It is Thursday already and EVERY girl knows the rule. If a guy wants to see you on the weekend and it is after Wednesday, you have to prolong it.
I reply, “Really busy this weekend, one eve next week work?”
He replies “sure babe, will call you on the weekend, look forward to seeing you.”
I have no idea as to why he all of a sudden, over a year later has come back with interest, but I will keep you all updated!
Little Miss V..xx
Sunday, April 8, 2012
A friend of mine and I were talking over a glass of wine (ok a couple) the other night about the funnest or most adventurous places where we have had sex. We were having a right giggle over this and then started thinking of some other places where you can do it..
Obviously, the bedroom can get a bit boring so I have come up with a list of some weird and wonderful places where you may have tried or may want to try...
1) In the car
Most of you reading this will have probably had some form of intimicy in a car. Whether a quick kiss, nosh or sex, it is an easy place to do it. Most people would think to go lie down on the back seats, well let me tell you, this might actually be the least comfortable way if you are going to have sex. If you are somewhere that you can open the doors so your legs can hang out or it's a big car, you will be fine, however if you are in your average size car (polo, punto, golf etc) your best bet is to stay in the front. Girls, get your man in the passenger seat, put the chair back and straddle him. If you find it uncomfortable here, the middle seat in the back is also a good place to do this style.
Tip: Always keep tissues and baby wipes in the car, you never know where you may need to get stains out of and also, do not go to a place where police may stop you! This happened to me once and honestly, I have never been more embarrased in my life!
2) On the beach
Ok for most of us living in cities nowhere near a beach this may be hard, but if you have not yet had sex on the beach, next time you are on holiday you must try it. Sex on the beach sounds so hot and romantic, doesn't it? It's so popular they even named a drink after it.Well, they also called a drink a 'slippery nipple' but thats besides the point. As anyone who's ever had sex on the beach probably already knows, if you're not extremely careful you're going to discover what it feels like to exfoliate areas of your body that don't need to be exfoliated. SOTB can be really romantic at sunset gazing into eachothers eyes so I highly reccomend doing it.
Tip: From experience, your best bet is doing it on a towel or sun lounger because having sand up an area where it shouldn't be, can get highly irritating!
3) The woods/ a field
Whether its going for a weekend get away to go camping or you fancy just stopping in the middle of nowhere and getting out the car for a quick sesh, a bang in the woods can be quite fun. An ex partner of mine and I did this once. After driving around aimlessly for an hour, we passed a field and decided to stop and explore. After a short while, it wasn't the field that was being explored anymore but our sexual desires. We had a great time but after a while of being there, it started to get dark and we could not find our way back to the car.
If you are in a country that has bears in woods, I suggest you do not engage in sexual activity. Studies have found that bears are attracted to the scent of sexual activities. So unless you want Yogi knocking on your tent, I suggest it's your legs you need to seal tight, more than your food.
Tip: Always keep a torch with you!
4) Hotel Room
Sometimes you want it to be simple with comfort. Having sex in yours or his bedroom can get boring and a new scenery is what you want. If so, go to a hotel room. Book in for the night. Take some scented candles with you and maybe even some body oils. The great thing about getting a room for the night is that you can make the biggest muddle and get nasty all night long, without having to worry about the mess the next morning, after all, it isn't your sheets you are staining!
Tip: Do not let him book a Travelodge.. only cheap whores go there.. If you are on a budget, at least make it a Premier Inn.
5) In the shower/ hot tub
I am sure you all know that normal size bath tubs are big enough for just one of you. However, showering with your partner will always get steamy. Take turns lathering each other up and teasing yourselves into a frenzy before going all the way.
If you have a hot tub, do it there. The roominess that a hot tub provides, as well as that vibrating jet streaming action, will ultimately make you and your partner lose yourselves in the moment,
Have two, warm fluffy towels handy — or one big one that you can wrap yourselves in — to keep the comfy after-sex buzz going.
Tip: Try not to do it in the jacuzzi in your local gym. People can easily catch you (which yes is a thrill) and also, nobody wants to be going into that after and find your jizz lingering within the bubbles!!
6) On a plane
How many of you have always wanted to join the mile high club? I have. It is the ultimate fantasy. However, I can just about fit my ass into the plane toilet. Unless you are quite petite, or love it doggy or anal, you haven't got much chance. It is actually now illegal to have sex in a plane toilet and you can be arrested if caught.
Tip: Do not let the air stewardess catch you!
7) Sauna/ Steam Room
What makes sex in a sauna or steam room so absolutely, incredibly, mind-blowingly amazing? How about the fact that because you're blocking some oxygen from getting to the brain, our senses become heightened and so every thrust, lick and bite is felt in an exaggerated manner. I once got frisky in a steam room and let me tell you, it was amazing. The thrill of knowing someone could come in at any moment was incredible in itself but the heat and warmth together was also amazing.
Tip: Always keep a bottle of water with you, we don't want one of you fainting!
8) Swimming pool
For those too lazy to get to the beach or too fearful of an incident involving jellyfish and sand, there's the semi-thrill of sex in a swimming pool. Ironically, water sex can actually dry up your natural lubrication, so can actually be a bit hard when inserting. You can however buy a silicone based lube which is usually waterproof and this will help.
Tip: Do not do it in a family hotel when there are kids around swimming underwater with their goggles on!
9) In the kitchen
You know when you watch a film and they barge through the front door kissing, clothes come flying off and they end up on the kitchen table and instantly start having sex.. yeah, you are imagining it.. well, it is rare that it happens like that. Take my friend for example (the one who had this conversation with me in the first place!) Her and her boyfriend got very drunk one night, got into a taxi and back to his place. Keys in the door, they started kissing and getting really turned on. Like the movies, the clothes were flying off and she jumped on him and wrapped her legs around his waist. He then sat her down on the kitchen worktop, forgetting they had been baking together earlier on in the day. She started screaming and not out of pleasure, but pain. He had sat her down on the spatula they used to pick up the cookies from the baking tray. Put it this way, the spatula entered her like nothing she had felt before! Trying not to ruin the moment, he picked her up and lied her on the kitchen table and he got on top of her. He did not know that she had picked the spatula up and as he was banging away, she started spanking him with it. She told me they even had a flour fight after, which ended up having another session in the shower!
Tip: Do not leave kitchen goods lying around!
10) On the floor
This may sound boring but you can actually make it interesting. Unlike a bed, the floor is hard so yes you are more likely to get carpet burns but may find it easier to have your partner deeper inside of you. If you have a fireplace, lying on a nice rug infront of the fire ca be really romantic.
Tip: Do not get to near to the fire, you don't want a burnt ass!
I hope you enjoyed reading this and if you have any comments you can leave them below or tweet me, @LittleMissVak or email firstname.lastname@example.org
Facebook me at facebook.com/LmissV
Little Miss V..x